Only last month, schools and families minister Ed Balls introduced measures to remove “no ball games” signs from municipal green spaces. If you spent any time in the park this weekend you might have an inkling why. It seems that these days there just isn’t enough grass to go round. Never mind french cricket and five-a-side. Our open spaces have become the stage for a range of ever more space-gobbling activities that have left many park-goers both bemused and huddled on a tiny patch of scrubby grass trying not to get trampled on by a marauding trend-setter in a Lycra one-piece. So what are they, these new and aggressively expansionist park pursuits?
British Military Fitness
Bills itself as “the UK’s leading outdoor fitness provider” and now stages classes in 27 parks across the country. A chance to practise basic-training-style fitness regimes, overseen by ex-marine instructors such as the brilliantly named Keith Walkman, an expert in “jungle and arctic warfare”. Run shuttle sprints. Get yelled at. Intimidate joggers. Pretend, just for an hour or so, that you are Prince Harry.
Softball
Basically rounders, or an underarm version of baseball. The last decade has seen a softball boom, driven in part by the craze for mass corporate bond-a-thon works outings. This is the 4×4 of park sports: an oversized, space-guzzling import that polarises opinion between those in favour (sales reps keen to demonstrate their competitive edge); and those against (anybody who wants to use the park at the same time). The ongoing softball v football lebensraum wars in London’s Regent’s Park have already entered urban green space lore.
Buggy fit
Surreal, Pythonesque practice whereby groups of mums stampede across a field propelling their £900 pramettes, terrorising inattentive, lager-quaffing softball short-stops. Described as “power walking with toning exercises”, but essentially a postnatal flash mob. Requires genuine baby, although a Bugaboo full of bricks would serve just as well.
Ultimate Frisbee
Its semi-official looking website claims it combines “the best features of … soccer, basketball and American football”. But essentially it’s frisbee with shorts on. Two teams career about, skimming plastic discs inches above your head and bothering the military fitness people just as they’re feeling the puke rush.
Touch
An Antipodean import, touch rugby sounds agreeably non-confrontational. In reality it’s a shattering free-for-all dominated by Australians who can do the 100m dash in 11 seconds wearing flip-flops. Best let them get on with it and stick to making sniggery innuendos about “heading up to Hampstead Heath for some touch with the blokes”.
· This article was amended on Tuesday June 3 2008. We said football liebensraum when we meant football lebensraum. This has been corrected.
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