‘Women are not rehabilitation centres for men’ became a popular mantra on Twitter in the past year.
It grew as many related to the idea that women are sometimes burdened with the emotional labour of being confidants and saviours to their male partners.
In an attempt to relieve that responsibility, a barbershop is encouraging men to open up to them instead of their wives and girlfriends.
‘She is not your rehab’ is the campaign led by New Zealand salon My Father’s Barbers, owned by Matt Brown.
But it’s so much more than haircuts Matt offers, it’s therapy.
He understands that women are sometimes expected to do the emotional heavy lifting for men but wants men to open up about their traumas to one another.
Having grown up in a violent home, he knows the importance of having a space where men feel heard.
A survivor of childhood sexual abuse, Matt has shared his story with the men who frequent his busy Christchurch-based shop.
Matt tells Metro.co.uk: ‘It’s an invitation for men to own their own healing, deconstruct shame and begin to walk in vulnerability versus bottling up emotions or living their lives stuck behind masks of toxic masculinity.’
My Father’s Barbers has been on an authentic journey with men and their pain through various mediums.
The first is through the two barbershops in New Zealand that are staffed with 18 well-trained hairdressers who practice having tough conversations every week.
The second is through their social media, which acts as an extension of the conversations they have in the barber chair.
And finally though a barbering program in a maximum-security prison with men who are in the final one or two years of a long sentence.
‘This has been my life, passion and honour the past decade,’ says Matt.
‘While servicing men I’ve really listened to and heard every story imaginable that has sometimes been unimaginable. Unspeakable pain, trauma, generational cycles of poverty and abuse. It seems endless and overwhelming.’
He adds that the violence he endured in his childhood motivated him to want to help others.
‘From my own pain, story and healing I’ve then had the opportunity to hold space for other men’s pain and healing,’ says Matt. ‘In doing so I’ve realised that pain is universal – most of us carry it along with a degree of trauma.’
‘I’ve had to learn to own my own story and transform the shame I carried for many years.
‘When you experience a deep inner freedom from pain and trauma, why wouldn’t you want other people to experience it?
‘For me, this looks like taking responsibility for healing my own trauma and pain without expecting anyone else to do the work for us – typically our partners.’
Matt is often pulled up on why the campaign is framed as ‘she is not your rehab’ as it may alienate some men.
‘We will use the wording we have chosen,’ he answers. ‘As a child witnessing my mother survive the violence that I truly believed would one day kill her, I want to do something tangible for the kids still in homes like that.
‘We aren’t here to demonise men, we are simply here to encourage and facilitate healing.
‘Healing brings growth and that brings change. Change is what is needed to shift generational trauma and abuse.
‘If our message does not apply to you and you do not use women as rehabilitation centres then that is truly awesome but I invite you to hold space for another man who does struggle with this.
‘Trust me, there are plenty.’
Matt delivered a Ted Talk on how his barbershop enables healing, which you can watch below:
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